


Keeping a secret

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Series: Gay Disaster Peter Parker [3]
Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 00:56:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15352650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: Peter was a paradox. That much was clear to him from very early on. For one thing, he was desperate for any kind of affection. Mostly, this meant time spent with Aunt May and Ned, but more recently, he had come to rely on MJ for attention too. There were days when all he wanted to do was curl up with Ned and watch Harry Potter for the millionth time.But at the same time, Peter was desperate to isolate himself from everyone. It’s easier this way, he reminded himself every time he talked himself down from making the call to Ned to tell him that he was really sad and that he just wanted to get ice cream with his best friend and forget about everything else for half an hour.--or Peter has been bottling everything up for a long time, and it's finally catching up with him. luckily his friends are there to support him.





	Keeping a secret

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so for anyone who is reading this series, i'm sorry that this took so long to update! things have been pretty stressful recently, and i couldn't focus on where this particular part of the story was going, but i hope you enjoy this now i'm somewhat happy with it! this can also be read as a stand alone piece for anyone who hasn't read the other fics! just as a note, this contains reference to a self harm coping mechanism, and like one reference to suicide, so please be safe!

Peter was a paradox. That much was clear to him from very early on. For one thing, he was desperate for any kind of affection. Mostly, this meant time spent with Aunt May and Ned, but more recently, he had come to rely on MJ for attention too. There were days when all he wanted to do was curl up with Ned and watch Harry Potter for the millionth time.

 

But at the same time, Peter was desperate to isolate himself from everyone. _It’s easier this way_ , he reminded himself every time he talked himself down from making the call to Ned to tell him that he was _really sad_ and that he just wanted to get ice cream with his best friend and forget about everything else for half an hour.

 

Peter knew that he had people who cared about him. That was mostly the problem; he knew that if he phoned Ned, his friend would be there for him in a flash. But Peter also knew that Ned had a lot of other things to deal with – he couldn’t burden him with his own problems on top of everything else.

 

It was the same for Aunt May. She worked every hour of the day to provide for them both; she took as many extra shifts as possible to ensure that they had enough money for food and rent and the new backpacks that Peter seemed to be making a habit of _“losing”._ The last thing Peter wanted was to seem ungrateful by telling May that he felt _so alone_ and that maybe he should start seeing a psychiatrist again. The thought was dismissed almost immediately. Their health insurance didn’t cover the cost of therapy and Peter was loathe to ask May for anything, let alone something so expensive. _I can cope_ , he argued feebly. Whether or not it was true was irrelevant – his coping methods weren’t exactly healthy, but it was better than any alternative he could think of. He would have to make do.

 

Besides, all of this was excluding the most important issue. Peter was gay. He had been sure for a few years now, but it didn’t stop the nauseating pit in his stomach from opening up every time he started to have a crush. If he was being honest, the main reason that Peter didn’t want anyone to get too close to him was that he was terrified they would leave him as soon as they found out he liked guys the way he should like girls.

 

The real art of Peter’s isolation was that he was so subtle about it that no one ever noticed that he was withdrawing into himself. It was something he had perfected when he started the Stark internship. Every day after patrol, he would phone Happy. On the outside, this made it seem that he was desperate for some kind of acknowledgement (Peter refused to believe that was true) but every time he reached the answer machine instead of the man himself, the tightness in his chest relaxed a little. He was alone. He was safe. Part of Peter was relieved that he had two less people he needed to watch himself around – Mr Stark and Happy obviously didn’t care enough to worry about him, and that meant that he could drop his guard a little around them. It was two less people who would miss him if he finally got the courage to take a swan dive off the Brooklyn bridge.

 

So he kept phoning. Every day just reminded Peter more and more that he was _so alone._ He hated it more than he cared to admit.

 

The worst part (or best, depending on how Peter looked at it) was that no one seemed to notice that anything was wrong.

 

At least he thought they didn’t.

 

In truth, Ned, May and MJ were all extremely worried about Peter’s slow but unstoppable withdrawal from their lives, but none of them knew how to bring it up without Peter avoiding the subject like the plague. He was an expert at deflection by now, and somehow managed to avoid uncomfortable topics with the skill of an escape artist.

 

Ned was the first to crack and broach the subject with Peter. The first time he tried, they had been building another Lego model, this time, of the millennium falcon. His attempt didn’t go well. Peter visibly recoiled when Ned had asked him if he was _really okay_ and not just saying it to please people. It didn’t escape his friend’s notice when Peter’s hand crept down to the band on his wrist (he didn’t mention it when Peter spent the next five minutes fiddling with it; it wasn’t something Peter allowed them to talk about), or the way he scrambled to leave far sooner than he normally would. Ned knew that getting Peter to open up would be a chore, but he had hoped that it would be easier than this.

 

 

 

As it turned out, it was Peter who brought up the conversation again less than a week later. Ned, MJ and Peter had taken a trip to Waffle House (of course, organised by MJ, given that she was the only one who could orchestrate plans effectively) and Peter had been acting shifty all morning.

 

‘Did that waffle mortally offend you or something?’ Peter paused the attack on his breakfast at MJ’s words, shifting in his seat and clearing his throat.

 

‘Nah,’ he said, laying his fork down. ‘I was just thinking.’

 

MJ raised an eyebrow. ‘Care to share with the class?’

 

In truth, Peter had been daydreaming about the perfect life he could have with the cute waiter who had served them, but he could hardly blurt that out. He blinked a couple of times, trying his best to drag his brain into action enough to give his friends a solid excuse for his odd behaviour.

 

‘Pete, what’s wrong?’ Ned asked, his voice far too soft for Peter’s liking.

 

‘Nothing – nothing’s wrong.’ Peter _couldn’t_ tell them. He knew he couldn’t. They would probably never talk to him again. There were hundreds of possible outcomes for what would happen if Peter came out, but he couldn’t imagine a scenario where he was unconditionally accepted for who he was.

 

‘Dude, I’m your _guy in the chair!_ I know when something is bothering you.’

 

Peter’s heart clenched painfully and he found that he could no longer look either of his friends in the eye.

 

‘We were kind of hoping that you would tell us in your own time,’ MJ chipped in, ‘but that doesn’t seem likely, and you’re obviously tearing yourself up over something so…’ She made a vague gesture which Peter interpreted as _spit it out._

 

His thoughts were tumbling together so incoherently that he barely knew what was happening. Some wild, unapologetic part of Peter was desperate to come out (and a quiet voice told him that he would be fine – they were good people after all) but it was battling with all of the fear and self loathing that had been building up for years as a product of seeing how other queer people were treated.

 

All Peter knew was that he had to do _something_. If he didn’t, he thought he might have an aneurism and die right there in a booth at their local Waffle House (his mind vaguely supplied a news headline notifying the world of his death and the subsequent closure of the store). He took a deep breath.

 

‘I’m gay.’ He blurted, and his world shifted forever. His whole body quickly flushed hot with a mixture of fear and surprise; it was the first time he had ever said _I’m gay_ out loud. Now that the words were out there, there was no way he could take them back. He snapped the band on his wrist viciously (it was quickly becoming an anxious habit). It was still unclear as to whether he had just made the biggest mistake of his life, and he was already rising to leave the table until–

 

‘That’s okay, Parker.’ MJ murmured, her voice soft and relieved. ‘That’s really what all of this is about? I thought you were _dying_ or something.’

 

Ned was grinning and nodding too. ‘We love you, Peter. We’re not going to stop just because you like dudes.’ He paused. ‘But _god_ you have got to stop bottling this stuff up, we’ve been worried about you for weeks.’

 

Peter let out a relieved chuckle. He had imagined this moment for so long, and thought that he had considered every emotion that he would feel: fear, relief, uneasiness (and he certainly felt all of those) but the most overwhelming emotion was one he hadn’t even imagined: _love_. Somehow, despite the walls he built around himself, Ned and MJ still managed to make him feel accepted and safe. A small part of Peter wished that he never pushed them away in the first place, given how supportive they were being.

 

‘Are you – are you being serious?’ Peter asked, still not quite trusting that this was actually happening.

 

‘Uh, yeah?’ MJ said incredulously. ‘Dude, if we were fine with you being _part spider_ , why would we have a problem with you being gay?’

 

‘But it’s – I’m not –’

 

‘It’s fine, Peter.’ Ned said easily, purposely ignoring the fact that his friend was close to tears. ‘Nothing’s going to change.’

 

‘So,’ said MJ, drawing the word out for emphasis. ‘Our waiter’s cute.’

 

Peter blushed. ‘MJ, I appreciate the thought, but this is literally the first time I’ve said this out loud. We’re not quite at the “talking about boys” stage yet.’

 

She grinned mercilessly, and shovelled another bite of waffle into her mouth.

 

It took the rest of the day for Peter to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was so overwhelmed by his friend’s reactions and their kindness that part of him wanted to talk and talk about being gay and not stop. He didn’t though. Most of him was still afraid, and he wasn’t going to jinx anything by letting his guard down too soon.

 

By the time Peter got back to his apartment, the day’s events had finally sunk in, and at last he felt like he might be getting his life together again. With his friends to fight his corner with him, he felt brave enough to start thinking about telling May and Mr Stark.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you've enjoyed this! i thought i would write about Peter coming out to some of the other Avengers next, because i seem to be better at the Parent/Kid fics with Tony than i am at the characterization of Peter's friends. I'm hoping to update quicker than last time too


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